Self help and Weed

Self-help and weed

I don't know why suicide is called self-help and i really don't know why the title of this article reads self-help, and of course weed is what I want to think and talk about right now.

Weed. Well for those of us who have not yet tried this shit, I bet I can describe weed is - Loss of ego, due to excessive boost in imagination and logical power and the experience of world through really a different dimension, but a huge loss in retention of those thoughts you have during the intoxication period.

This feels like an another dimension that we had not yet opened our eyes to, and yet it seems like bend down in the current dimensions. We all have been living this reality but so blind.

Every thought is magnified and time vanishes. You could be lost, you could be found. Everything is one.

Weed motivates me. I don't know why, but it simulates my logical instincts as if we need no memorizing and we tread life absorbing specific details of information and simultaneously constructing an entire theory out of the acquired bits. Life is full of puzzles. Programming is full of puzzles. Programming teaches you how to think, how we really think.

It is not important to laugh. Stimulus is important. And there out there you see people bored, upset with life. And they make plans to meet and have fun, and again that superficial excitement of a possible happy day, and there is no stimulus. All these fake goals we chase, they have nothing in store for us. All that is important, is a stimulus. Do hell with your girlfriend, all I care about is puzzles. Do hell with your relationship, all I want is sex, and it is my stimulus. The source os sex doesn't matter to me, altho I get stimulated with unethical situations and all but none the less, go for the ultimate. See it be it. This whole showing the world I am happy to get involved with similar show freaks in the hopes of one day living a happy life is worthless. We have got our internal compass within us. We got out intuitive selves to tell us which food is good to eat and which is not. We have got our internal compass to guide us to the truth that excites us.

love, live, write
and smoke weed :-)

Father and son

Father and Son

It is much recently that my relationship with my father has improved so much.

Well yes, we here are talking about the typical Indian family, where the boy maintains a professional relationship with his father, and treats him like his boss.
Nonetheless, me and my father were having a cup of tea each when he spoke out to me - 'Do you know Ankit, we in our days could never imagine to be bored. When we were young, we were just excited about everything.'


Yes he had discussed his
stories of chasing monkeys and tying a thread on a dragonfly's tail, chasing it around. All of this this spun me into the thought process, which has finally compelled me to write this blog entry. Does it not intrigue you. Why are we people so bored now-a-days. No fun no excitement
Is the technology really the culprit!
Well as i have come to think about it, I realized this to be true for me, technology was causing this mania. Well of course technology is just a tool and the user of technology decides how to go about it blah blah... it is all well and good. It is to all the users of technology then.


What i came to realise is that in the last 10-15 years or so, we have become interconnected to everything. Information flow is increasing exponentially every second. This has caused an onslaught of information on our brains.
We are just surrounded by very useful information on all sides and of course the brain is trying to grasp information at a rate it can never swallow. This non-stop flow of information
and this non-stopping social networks that we are associated with is probably causing an overload on our brains.
We have seen the entire cosmos on our tablet screens. How in the world will there be anything that can excite us. Come on think about this. We have had 6 relationships and broke up by the time we were 17. We thought this is all there is in a relationship. I already gave up on
anything that meant love.
This onslaught of information is throwing at us situations and possibilities that maybe we are not ready to experience yet. The world is full of wonders. Do not turn a blind eye towards the life inside and around you

Love ,Write, Peace

Priorities

I hear this too often - 'don't have time'.

This is a generation that has seen a boom in information exchange. We have all sorts of media being streamed in every possible sort of wired and wireless ways. It is not uncommon for me to see my fellow mates deep engrossed in whatever is playing on their device's display screens. No i don't condemn technology. It is just a tool. In the hands of a fool, it is a disaster. Idk why i suddenly get reminded of Trump

On facebook recently i saw a comparison. The upper part of image was a typical metro crowd, everyone looking down on their mobile screens, and the lower part interestingly enough was of a 1987 train, everyone busy reading newspapers. And of course the fact that people believe rape and murder have increased in recent times just because any such event is quickly spread across thanks to the extremely proactive modern media. It is hilarious actually, and as I look around, i can easily see ignorance is bliss. You don't know about the murders, you experience peace in life.

I tend to sometimes look at my brother and experience everything as he experiences, perceive the world as he does, his innocence melts my heart, his questions and the little things he gives so much attention to, the stupid things that fills him with joy and love, and of course the love he has to shower on anybody who gives him a little love first.
So my father, being the man he is, said, 'This new generation, always busy peeping through screens'. This threw me in a never-ending thought loop, which revolved around the question that is it really technology that is destroying at least children today. Idk what i feel about this

We as children have seen the entire cosmos on our screens. From infinite different faces of lifestyles, to various shades of places with various colors of soil. Various shades of humanity, on discovery and on Nat-geo, In documentaries and leaked tapes. Nothing seems new anymore. Nothing seems exiting anymore. That childish fun in exploring and risking our house during fire experiments and our lives during cracker show-offs, all those are gone. Maybe it is just a part of growing us. Maybe the children today are growing us faster. Or maybe not so, what do you think??

Just a random quote here.

All this Paisa

I am munching on a 5 Rs packet of Parley G. This is all what i have been doing for the past 48 hours, after the ban on 500 and 1000 Rs notes(Demonetization).

Oh no this isn't about how bravely Modi runs the government, or how insensitive the government becomes sometimes. No this is about how the Ban on notes finally helped me see the true colours of this world.

India is in chaos outside.
People are angry and are divided into "pro-modi' & "anti-modi". Some feel all this is good but the problems could have been avoided a lot if there was a bit of planning. Then there are people(including me) who believe that this government is capable and they did the best possible. Now, how could have the innocent public be warned without warning the defaulters. But then again, world is divided into beliefs and opinions. Your opinion and reason is no less valid, than mine. After all right and wrong is always subjective.


Well yesterday i got a call from a family member asking me if i had a Bank account. He always behaved so poor and it is yesterday that i knew he had crores of rupees in cash. Oh he is really poor i came to a sudden realization yesterday. Not financially speaking, as he might find out a way to turn his black into white. But he was really really poor, in life. He had never really tasted life in its entirety i could guess now. All those times his 2 sons demanded a chocolate and he rebuked "paise kharch karne ke alawa kuch ata hai tumhe". I wish to call him back today and ask, 'what is all this money for?'. But i know his answer and the answers of millions of us.
Millions of us who enjoy living in our future, saving for our future, saving for our families future, saving for our children. millions of us who live in our past and all we know is to feel the pain, recall the inhuman treatment we all faced sometime in our life. Recall old times when we were poor and then again suddenly shift gears to future to save money and make the future beautiful (oh not beautiful, only wealthy). So you doubt the abilities of your children to earn money when they themselves grow up. You think no one could donothing without you? Do you really think, securing the future is so important that you destroy the present inturn.


I walked up to my mirror and looked at me, you can do it to right now after reading this. So i looked at me, and really looked at me with un-opinionated eyes. This complex body with such symmetry and such capabilities, this was me. I myself owned a body billion times more advanced than any technology i could own. Oh okay, so you have heard many crackheads talk this crazy. So right now is the time you getup and go see for yourself in the mirror and for god's sake, tell me you own a mirror, if not go buy one.
Isn't it happiness and not money, we all crave. I mean to see a grown up, respected individual behave so poor all these years, i feel i am missing a point. I see just no point in being angry, poor and miserable in the present to secure the future, as being angry and poor and miserable is going to be the root cause of destroying the future of your children.


I have finished my parle G packet and i have another 20 Rupees in my wallet. That is all i have to sustain myself for another week or so before which i have no stamina to stand in the queue. I know my friends laughed on the '20 Rs for week' too. Good morning.

A bath a day keeps unproductiveness away!

As i sit on my flat's stairs, i light.

The smell fills my nostrils, as i hold it between my lips
Sucking in air, as i bring my match up and light. The first puff is the golden sip. It fills my body with a strange content and then relaxation, as the nicotine travels through my lungs, into the bloodstream and then finally into my brain.

This strange obsession i have for the mere smell of burning nicotine is probably killing me inside, but it feels alive now. Well maybe not alive, but it is a peculiar feeling, and if i have to pen that down logically, i will describe it as more of an identity that a mere habit.

Thing is we humans have a strange obsession to an identity. We search for our identity our whole lives. We identify ourselves as a mother, father, engineer, nationalist, leftist, rightist, feminist, and a lot of other -ists.
An identity gives us a purpose, something to long for, something to look forward to, something to crave for and most importantly a sense of right and wrong. An identity involving a 'higher purpose', as in identifying with a religion, closes the doors of our brain to any individual reasoning and solidifies a set of rules and ideas that you cannot question. This is where all learning and evolution stops and you henceforth act as a programmed mummy, set to accomplish missions. Identifying is dying.

We are so desperate to find our 'higher purpose' in life that we are in turn desperately want to identify ourselves with a community and end our quest. Again identifying is dying. Maybe i should stop identifying myself with cigarettes then.

As the light reaches near the filter, i am ready to get up and continue first de-identifying myself of my previous programmings, and tread life living moment to moment, questioning moment to moment.

Masks

I have been called for some work and my reaction was to immediately start pondering where are we trying to take our relationships

Well  i acknowledge that on a daily basis. I do things and work for people solely to maintain a working relationship with them and in the hope that they might someday be useful to me. On deep analysis, i feel how plastic all my relationships with the world is, genuine happiness lost in pretentious smiles, genuine pain lost in hopeless despair.
I want to cry sometime. I want to be able to cry. I want me to feel it is okay to cry. I want myself to feel and be okay with the idea.
I want to be able to shout in the face of people, no i don't need you to make me feel worthful. I don't need others to fake a plastic security that these people will stand by me. They most probably won't

Coming back to my senses i realise i am already late for work i will go and do to maintain  the pretentious relationship, to feel a fake sense of security, because you know it might be hard to accept, but i am afraid, not the beast uncaring asshole i normally pretend to be around people, but a over sentimental shit, pretending to not care to attract attention. I must get going

Looking beyond the sky 1

#Looking beyond the sky 1

All of us have that instinct, that instinct of judging and as a result of being constantly judged.
You see things like Stage fear is the direct consequence of our subconscious projections that people might laugh if i make a mistake, which is how we are too, judgemental and critical when in the audience.

You see it is a survival instinct to move with the flow of society, and blend in, follow norms and culture and keep that offence to a minimal.
As a  direct consequence of this instinct, we simulate other people's thought patterns in our own heads to understand what they want and to try to maintain harmony. Seldom do we realise that what others think, is just a projection of ourselves, very cleverly disguised as "other people". It is really us that we truly fear. Our own judgements, our own paradgims, our own limitations and boundaries

And it is then no surprise, that trying to blend in and survive becomes a habit and we try to pass on this culture to others. Maybe we are afraid of freedom, maybe we all feel that a free man who doesn't identify himself with some culture, who laughs at boundaries and flies high, is somehow dangerous.
Just because he acts out of instinct, does not mean a person is dangerous. No hate ever came out of genuine realness. Stop cursing the world, humans, your life. Go talk to a stranger and make new stories. 

Poetry

There is a rhythm in all of us. That rhythm that lets us appreciate songs, appreciate symmetry, appreciate patterns in life. Maybe it is based on our instinct to appreciate nature in its reality. Nature is symmetric, it has a rhythm, thus the beauty that sometimes snaps us from our autonomous lives and brings us to this moment right here. It is that rhythm which compels us to appreciate a good poem

Ghar mei hai bas 6 hi loog,

4 deewarein, chaat aur mei.
Shaam saheli, Raat paheli,
Chupke se aa jati hai.
Pal bhar ka hai tera milna,
Mujhko yaad dilati hai.

Subeh saavere naiye raah,
Fir koi naya thikaana hai,
Jaldi hi aab jaana hai.

          -by Priyank Pandey

Robot

Am I a Robot?

Today after so long i was in college. How amazing it is, to feel the thrill of deadlines, to race against time finishing the practical file work just before class. Those echos in my mind, the voices wanting me to set myself free from this rat-race of the world, we all running without any sense of where is this all leading us, what are we racing for and to what end blah blah. I am sure you can relate, you might have felt this strange inspiration after watching a good movie too. Somehow for me, this motivation motivates me to do anything but some productive work. I go from watching the movie over and over again to fantasizing me being the hero. These movies are supposed to be perspective changing, but my mind is always doubtful if this really is supposed to happen in real life, in life of a person like me!

Today the robotic tasks felt meditative. My mind had no choices to make, no 100 things to think, no 100 ways to tread. Just somehow finish the task in hand. I heard voices, people dying, the laughter that followed when someone cunningly blew away someone else in  mini-militia. I could feel the fun they felt, yet somehow concentrate on my work. No one to be responsible to, no one to answer to, no fake smiles to pass, no fake "Hi kaisa hai".

Altho the huge burdened negativity that most of us hold towards anything related to study, I loved the moment. For a moment i thought, i was meant to be a mediocre, to have a mediocre life, to be a robot, i mean how does it matter if you enjoy it. Then i was reminded of my childhood, what a rebel i was and i suddenly realised if this was something meditative, it had to be something else. I was never the one who behaved, rules for me literally meant something which are to be broken