Love inside me

I really don't know why I sat down with a topic like such, to write a blog post about.

Well then let us get right to it, shall we

Always have we thought that we love 'somebody' or 'something', never have we treated love as an individual?

Okay so next time my friends, you are out there with your girl, notice how suddenly everything changes and the air is so sweet suddenly. Oh! you are in love.

Love is an emotional state of mind, mostly caused due to the release of a beautiful cocktail of hormones in our brain and body. And you suddenly feel that the air around you is filled with something lovely, heck no, the air was always lovely, it is just today that you really noticed.

Love is an emotional state within you really, you associate it with a person, animal, thing, but it really is you that is love. If only you could always be that blissful. Shivam bhai, my roommate is in a constant struggle to give his love a meaning that is greater than the definition I just gave love - a bloody chemical cocktail, creating a mess in our brains. You might have a friend like him in your life too. The 1st love affair and he is flying the friendly skies already.

And we have this cat "Louie". She is an introvert as most cats are, and she doesn't care, all she wants is food when she needs it, as cats normally are. Yes! It is a well documented and researched fact that cats don't develop any special connection to their masters and do not really develop a sense of security around their masters. What all this means is, cats do not really give any shit to who gives them food, or if the food giver is around them to protect them.

But all of us here have developed an inner sense of attachment with her. We joke around, fool around, but can't see her take a fall. Satyam my roommate said, we see our emotions reflected in their eyes (yea i know the life of pi). This was so true. We, humans, are so similar and so we judge others by putting ourselves in their place. But with animals, this doesn't work. It is just us, it is just our emotions we see. So this is really inside us to feel love and loved. It is us who can experience bliss for ourselves.


So my roommate has a crush on someone. All I can really see is his love is an attempt of cooperation of two human beings when they get together and help each other out, which in this case is also chemically supported by his body (by hormones), due to the other person being a girl.
I still wish him and you people the best of luck in your quest for love though.

Are exams worth it

This is our semester time. Yes our semesters are going on, and all we can think about is

Indoor Basketball

Some PG-Gym time

oh yes we bond a lot during our gym sessions

Of course some music and then we might study

Exam time saari feel ati hai

And now it is time to blog, padhega kaun?

So is it really worth it, giving our valuable time to books, absorb all that shit and dream for a life that thousands of us already dreamt and still remain unemployed today, oh engineers! God rest our souls.

Self help and Weed

Self-help and weed

I don't know why suicide is called self-help and i really don't know why the title of this article reads self-help, and of course weed is what I want to think and talk about right now.

Weed. Well for those of us who have not yet tried this shit, I bet I can describe weed is - Loss of ego, due to excessive boost in imagination and logical power and the experience of world through really a different dimension, but a huge loss in retention of those thoughts you have during the intoxication period.

This feels like an another dimension that we had not yet opened our eyes to, and yet it seems like bend down in the current dimensions. We all have been living this reality but so blind.

Every thought is magnified and time vanishes. You could be lost, you could be found. Everything is one.

Weed motivates me. I don't know why, but it simulates my logical instincts as if we need no memorizing and we tread life absorbing specific details of information and simultaneously constructing an entire theory out of the acquired bits. Life is full of puzzles. Programming is full of puzzles. Programming teaches you how to think, how we really think.

It is not important to laugh. Stimulus is important. And there out there you see people bored, upset with life. And they make plans to meet and have fun, and again that superficial excitement of a possible happy day, and there is no stimulus. All these fake goals we chase, they have nothing in store for us. All that is important, is a stimulus. Do hell with your girlfriend, all I care about is puzzles. Do hell with your relationship, all I want is sex, and it is my stimulus. The source os sex doesn't matter to me, altho I get stimulated with unethical situations and all but none the less, go for the ultimate. See it be it. This whole showing the world I am happy to get involved with similar show freaks in the hopes of one day living a happy life is worthless. We have got our internal compass within us. We got out intuitive selves to tell us which food is good to eat and which is not. We have got our internal compass to guide us to the truth that excites us.

love, live, write
and smoke weed :-)

Father and son

Father and Son

It is much recently that my relationship with my father has improved so much.

Well yes, we here are talking about the typical Indian family, where the boy maintains a professional relationship with his father, and treats him like his boss.
Nonetheless, me and my father were having a cup of tea each when he spoke out to me - 'Do you know Ankit, we in our days could never imagine to be bored. When we were young, we were just excited about everything.'


Yes he had discussed his
stories of chasing monkeys and tying a thread on a dragonfly's tail, chasing it around. All of this this spun me into the thought process, which has finally compelled me to write this blog entry. Does it not intrigue you. Why are we people so bored now-a-days. No fun no excitement
Is the technology really the culprit!
Well as i have come to think about it, I realized this to be true for me, technology was causing this mania. Well of course technology is just a tool and the user of technology decides how to go about it blah blah... it is all well and good. It is to all the users of technology then.


What i came to realise is that in the last 10-15 years or so, we have become interconnected to everything. Information flow is increasing exponentially every second. This has caused an onslaught of information on our brains.
We are just surrounded by very useful information on all sides and of course the brain is trying to grasp information at a rate it can never swallow. This non-stop flow of information
and this non-stopping social networks that we are associated with is probably causing an overload on our brains.
We have seen the entire cosmos on our tablet screens. How in the world will there be anything that can excite us. Come on think about this. We have had 6 relationships and broke up by the time we were 17. We thought this is all there is in a relationship. I already gave up on
anything that meant love.
This onslaught of information is throwing at us situations and possibilities that maybe we are not ready to experience yet. The world is full of wonders. Do not turn a blind eye towards the life inside and around you

Love ,Write, Peace

Priorities

I hear this too often - 'don't have time'.

This is a generation that has seen a boom in information exchange. We have all sorts of media being streamed in every possible sort of wired and wireless ways. It is not uncommon for me to see my fellow mates deep engrossed in whatever is playing on their device's display screens. No i don't condemn technology. It is just a tool. In the hands of a fool, it is a disaster. Idk why i suddenly get reminded of Trump

On facebook recently i saw a comparison. The upper part of image was a typical metro crowd, everyone looking down on their mobile screens, and the lower part interestingly enough was of a 1987 train, everyone busy reading newspapers. And of course the fact that people believe rape and murder have increased in recent times just because any such event is quickly spread across thanks to the extremely proactive modern media. It is hilarious actually, and as I look around, i can easily see ignorance is bliss. You don't know about the murders, you experience peace in life.

I tend to sometimes look at my brother and experience everything as he experiences, perceive the world as he does, his innocence melts my heart, his questions and the little things he gives so much attention to, the stupid things that fills him with joy and love, and of course the love he has to shower on anybody who gives him a little love first.
So my father, being the man he is, said, 'This new generation, always busy peeping through screens'. This threw me in a never-ending thought loop, which revolved around the question that is it really technology that is destroying at least children today. Idk what i feel about this

We as children have seen the entire cosmos on our screens. From infinite different faces of lifestyles, to various shades of places with various colors of soil. Various shades of humanity, on discovery and on Nat-geo, In documentaries and leaked tapes. Nothing seems new anymore. Nothing seems exiting anymore. That childish fun in exploring and risking our house during fire experiments and our lives during cracker show-offs, all those are gone. Maybe it is just a part of growing us. Maybe the children today are growing us faster. Or maybe not so, what do you think??

Just a random quote here.

All this Paisa

I am munching on a 5 Rs packet of Parley G. This is all what i have been doing for the past 48 hours, after the ban on 500 and 1000 Rs notes(Demonetization).

Oh no this isn't about how bravely Modi runs the government, or how insensitive the government becomes sometimes. No this is about how the Ban on notes finally helped me see the true colours of this world.

India is in chaos outside.
People are angry and are divided into "pro-modi' & "anti-modi". Some feel all this is good but the problems could have been avoided a lot if there was a bit of planning. Then there are people(including me) who believe that this government is capable and they did the best possible. Now, how could have the innocent public be warned without warning the defaulters. But then again, world is divided into beliefs and opinions. Your opinion and reason is no less valid, than mine. After all right and wrong is always subjective.


Well yesterday i got a call from a family member asking me if i had a Bank account. He always behaved so poor and it is yesterday that i knew he had crores of rupees in cash. Oh he is really poor i came to a sudden realization yesterday. Not financially speaking, as he might find out a way to turn his black into white. But he was really really poor, in life. He had never really tasted life in its entirety i could guess now. All those times his 2 sons demanded a chocolate and he rebuked "paise kharch karne ke alawa kuch ata hai tumhe". I wish to call him back today and ask, 'what is all this money for?'. But i know his answer and the answers of millions of us.
Millions of us who enjoy living in our future, saving for our future, saving for our families future, saving for our children. millions of us who live in our past and all we know is to feel the pain, recall the inhuman treatment we all faced sometime in our life. Recall old times when we were poor and then again suddenly shift gears to future to save money and make the future beautiful (oh not beautiful, only wealthy). So you doubt the abilities of your children to earn money when they themselves grow up. You think no one could donothing without you? Do you really think, securing the future is so important that you destroy the present inturn.


I walked up to my mirror and looked at me, you can do it to right now after reading this. So i looked at me, and really looked at me with un-opinionated eyes. This complex body with such symmetry and such capabilities, this was me. I myself owned a body billion times more advanced than any technology i could own. Oh okay, so you have heard many crackheads talk this crazy. So right now is the time you getup and go see for yourself in the mirror and for god's sake, tell me you own a mirror, if not go buy one.
Isn't it happiness and not money, we all crave. I mean to see a grown up, respected individual behave so poor all these years, i feel i am missing a point. I see just no point in being angry, poor and miserable in the present to secure the future, as being angry and poor and miserable is going to be the root cause of destroying the future of your children.


I have finished my parle G packet and i have another 20 Rupees in my wallet. That is all i have to sustain myself for another week or so before which i have no stamina to stand in the queue. I know my friends laughed on the '20 Rs for week' too. Good morning.

A bath a day keeps unproductiveness away!

As i sit on my flat's stairs, i light.

The smell fills my nostrils, as i hold it between my lips
Sucking in air, as i bring my match up and light. The first puff is the golden sip. It fills my body with a strange content and then relaxation, as the nicotine travels through my lungs, into the bloodstream and then finally into my brain.

This strange obsession i have for the mere smell of burning nicotine is probably killing me inside, but it feels alive now. Well maybe not alive, but it is a peculiar feeling, and if i have to pen that down logically, i will describe it as more of an identity that a mere habit.

Thing is we humans have a strange obsession to an identity. We search for our identity our whole lives. We identify ourselves as a mother, father, engineer, nationalist, leftist, rightist, feminist, and a lot of other -ists.
An identity gives us a purpose, something to long for, something to look forward to, something to crave for and most importantly a sense of right and wrong. An identity involving a 'higher purpose', as in identifying with a religion, closes the doors of our brain to any individual reasoning and solidifies a set of rules and ideas that you cannot question. This is where all learning and evolution stops and you henceforth act as a programmed mummy, set to accomplish missions. Identifying is dying.

We are so desperate to find our 'higher purpose' in life that we are in turn desperately want to identify ourselves with a community and end our quest. Again identifying is dying. Maybe i should stop identifying myself with cigarettes then.

As the light reaches near the filter, i am ready to get up and continue first de-identifying myself of my previous programmings, and tread life living moment to moment, questioning moment to moment.

Masks

I have been called for some work and my reaction was to immediately start pondering where are we trying to take our relationships

Well  i acknowledge that on a daily basis. I do things and work for people solely to maintain a working relationship with them and in the hope that they might someday be useful to me. On deep analysis, i feel how plastic all my relationships with the world is, genuine happiness lost in pretentious smiles, genuine pain lost in hopeless despair.
I want to cry sometime. I want to be able to cry. I want me to feel it is okay to cry. I want myself to feel and be okay with the idea.
I want to be able to shout in the face of people, no i don't need you to make me feel worthful. I don't need others to fake a plastic security that these people will stand by me. They most probably won't

Coming back to my senses i realise i am already late for work i will go and do to maintain  the pretentious relationship, to feel a fake sense of security, because you know it might be hard to accept, but i am afraid, not the beast uncaring asshole i normally pretend to be around people, but a over sentimental shit, pretending to not care to attract attention. I must get going

Looking beyond the sky 1

#Looking beyond the sky 1

All of us have that instinct, that instinct of judging and as a result of being constantly judged.
You see things like Stage fear is the direct consequence of our subconscious projections that people might laugh if i make a mistake, which is how we are too, judgemental and critical when in the audience.

You see it is a survival instinct to move with the flow of society, and blend in, follow norms and culture and keep that offence to a minimal.
As a  direct consequence of this instinct, we simulate other people's thought patterns in our own heads to understand what they want and to try to maintain harmony. Seldom do we realise that what others think, is just a projection of ourselves, very cleverly disguised as "other people". It is really us that we truly fear. Our own judgements, our own paradgims, our own limitations and boundaries

And it is then no surprise, that trying to blend in and survive becomes a habit and we try to pass on this culture to others. Maybe we are afraid of freedom, maybe we all feel that a free man who doesn't identify himself with some culture, who laughs at boundaries and flies high, is somehow dangerous.
Just because he acts out of instinct, does not mean a person is dangerous. No hate ever came out of genuine realness. Stop cursing the world, humans, your life. Go talk to a stranger and make new stories. 

Poetry

There is a rhythm in all of us. That rhythm that lets us appreciate songs, appreciate symmetry, appreciate patterns in life. Maybe it is based on our instinct to appreciate nature in its reality. Nature is symmetric, it has a rhythm, thus the beauty that sometimes snaps us from our autonomous lives and brings us to this moment right here. It is that rhythm which compels us to appreciate a good poem

Ghar mei hai bas 6 hi loog,

4 deewarein, chaat aur mei.
Shaam saheli, Raat paheli,
Chupke se aa jati hai.
Pal bhar ka hai tera milna,
Mujhko yaad dilati hai.

Subeh saavere naiye raah,
Fir koi naya thikaana hai,
Jaldi hi aab jaana hai.

          -by Priyank Pandey

Robot

Am I a Robot?

Today after so long i was in college. How amazing it is, to feel the thrill of deadlines, to race against time finishing the practical file work just before class. Those echos in my mind, the voices wanting me to set myself free from this rat-race of the world, we all running without any sense of where is this all leading us, what are we racing for and to what end blah blah. I am sure you can relate, you might have felt this strange inspiration after watching a good movie too. Somehow for me, this motivation motivates me to do anything but some productive work. I go from watching the movie over and over again to fantasizing me being the hero. These movies are supposed to be perspective changing, but my mind is always doubtful if this really is supposed to happen in real life, in life of a person like me!

Today the robotic tasks felt meditative. My mind had no choices to make, no 100 things to think, no 100 ways to tread. Just somehow finish the task in hand. I heard voices, people dying, the laughter that followed when someone cunningly blew away someone else in  mini-militia. I could feel the fun they felt, yet somehow concentrate on my work. No one to be responsible to, no one to answer to, no fake smiles to pass, no fake "Hi kaisa hai".

Altho the huge burdened negativity that most of us hold towards anything related to study, I loved the moment. For a moment i thought, i was meant to be a mediocre, to have a mediocre life, to be a robot, i mean how does it matter if you enjoy it. Then i was reminded of my childhood, what a rebel i was and i suddenly realised if this was something meditative, it had to be something else. I was never the one who behaved, rules for me literally meant something which are to be broken

Time capsules

I was home sweating, breathing heavily cursing myself all along the stairs about how i was a fool to choose 4th floor to live in, cursing myself about my college, and wher i had gotten my life stuck, and all about my carrier choices.

This continued until something very un-routinely happened. I saw some old cartons, the cartons that had items of utmost emotional significance since my childhood. In particular, i was recollecting the memories of the time capsules

Mrs. Meena told us about the amazing time capsules when we were in 8th grade. She said that those pieces of paper were a way of communicating with our future self. She gave us some capsules to get us started, and all we had to do was to talk whatever the fuck we wanted, as these were not a school assignment, but for us to keep and preserve

And that was it. I was so compelled by the idea of time capsules that i even dreamt about waking up and writing my time capsules. This obsession reached a height that i had written a time capsule for every person i knew, talking to his/her plausible future self.

So i picked a blue capsule out and i was suddenly drenched in a strange cocktail of emotions.

It read - "Hi me, i hope you made it alive.. lol please my sense of humour. Have you made it big in life yet? Please say yes! Well nevermind even if you haven't you are on your way maybe, i dont want to live a poor life come-on.

Is tathagat still your best friend, recently we have not been spending time together. He kind of likes a girl and havent even told his mother and father. I will help him once he breaks his heart

Do you learn to control your laugh? Today i was being punished by the principal and i slipped a smile, then a big laughter. They are calling ma, pa tommorow. This is a real problem man, this happiness, it comes to me at all times, no control. I think yoga can help with this."

Well, reading all this was insane. It was extremly difficult to not cry while i read all this. The note reminded me of what i had actually lost over the years - ' My innocence '

I had lost that zeal for life, that exitement in every moment that intoxicates you with so much joy that you cannot even control your laughter.

Then the capsule went on a little further,
"Hey how do you like power-rangers and Ben-ten now? Mummy says i can study now and watch power rangers later when I grow up and earn myself a living. But till then there will be a lot of episodes to watch, so i will keep watching anyway.

Hey i hope you have become little more amazing, even though i am already so amazing but you know. Learn to control that laughter and if you feel sick or hungry, go to poonam didi. Poonam didi makes good food."

Reading all this made me feel how dis-aligned i was towards life. Time is a precious commodity. Tc and have a good day

Rakshabandhan

It was rakshabandhan season recently and needless to say, boys will be boys, absent from all colleges/schools(yes many schools still open up on rakshabandhan). Well you might be visiting your cousin or celebrating it with your sister at home but we all know there is more to the empty colleges than just rakhi celebration.

Well this incident i get reminded of whenever rakhi season passes by, happened when i was in class 9. We used to sit side by side on our way back to home from school, and we adored each other's company. They were jealous, she was beautiful ,they wanted her as some sort of prize. On the eve of rakhi, they said tu isko rakhi bandhegi, she denied. They again poked - "is it because you love him sexually", everyone was laughing and I could see it was too much for her. She picked out a rakhi from her bag and i gave her my hand like it did not matter and seriously it did not to me. That day on i was laughed on, like even kapil sharma would be jelous of my popularity - "apni bandi se rakhi bandhwa li".

Why do Indians attach everything with their ego dude!
Rakhi bandhwa li sundar ladki se to bezaati ho gaiye.
Well my mother still to this day, ties rakhi on my father's hand, i used to laugh out secretly at this when i was a small boy, but today it has weaved into a long thread of sweet memories of their innocent love.
Ma and Pa promise each other their everlasting love and support, afterall no one is complete without the other.
The day i was returning hostel from home and i saw 2 boys offer seat to young girls maybe with due respect on rakshabandhan eve. I felt good in my gut to see that

I don't preach religious values, but some rituals in our culture and values attached to them must be preserved at all costs. These small festivals and sentiments attached to them are a uniqueness of our indian culture. Love, respect, live, peace

Meet your meat!

I have repeatedly been poked for choosing a vegetarian lifestyle over ("baal-kaatna") non-vegetarian food. To the point of irritation, it is often assumed that this vegetarian lifestyle is inspired by religious values. So today my lovely friends, i declare before thy, yer opinions are misguided, i am a vegetarian by logical choice, pure logic based on reason- kind of choice.

1.    "Kisi ko nahi batayenge, tu kha le, sabb khate hai"
Okay i was a non-vegetarian, i choose to not be that same non-vegetarian now!
Mera dharam bhrashta nahi hoga cause i don't have a dharam, i am religion free kind of guy. So don't give me - "sabb khate hai" i never cared eghh!

2. "To jabb pehle khata tha, to ab kyu nahi. Ek baar to kha liya na, ab kya farak padta hai? Pehle khata tha to taste acha hi laagta hoga"
I just stare when someone recites these insanely illogical streak of dialogues. Aap pehle bhi wo** they, aaj bhi wo** ho. I am a change and progress kind a guy

3. "Galat kya hai"

Haan aab aya na unth pahad ke nichey, thoda aur and ispe kitaab likh du mei
Okay first things first, why do we not kill tigers, rhinos, whales? Is it wrong to kill animals!
Ek macchar insaan ko hinjra bna deta hai, so we kill those bastards anyway
Look humans are "specist", they care only about only their species and discriminate based on species-dependent differences. When something disturbs the ecological balance, we oppose it, as we will be the victims in the long run, so we stopped hunting deer, lion, tiger, rhino etc. But when something does not bother our survival, we are on killing spree. As one philosopher once said, the planet existed before and it will continue to exist, it is the survival of human species that is being endangered by the felony of careless human beings. So stop the "Save the planet" bullshit and start saving your asses real fast.
Whites in their time, considered blacks useless, hitler considered jews useless, and such never-ending list of examples, only speaks to us that all discrimination was wrong, but people realise it too late.
Racism was wrong but people supported it, followed it in their time nevertheless. Discrimination based on religion was wrong, nevertheless people did it. And so is "specism" wrong, we might not accept it now but...
Humans are empathetic beings and are hurt when they see a living being in danger, go ahead crush an ant and squeeze its life out, you will feel something, some cringe in your stomach maybe, we were designed to be empathetic as it poses a survival advantage, we cannot do with killing fellow living beings for so long. We pay for a cut/halal animal, and eat it when it is already dead. A research concluded(don't know which one XD), that 70% of us would stop eating non-veg if we had to do the honours of killing the animal ourselves. We still know it right, that we pay to kill so ultimately we are the murderers, but somehow many of us have figured out a  way of ignoring the fact and letting it not hit our conscience.

4. Hey my chicken was anesthised before killing, so no wrong!

Hey, if i meet your sister in a club, play with her, impress her, dance with her, make her day the most fun one and then mix a drug in her drink to rape her, is that not a rape? I mean she was not hurt, she was sleeping believing the last night to be the most fun night ever. Taking a life is taking a life. Maybe we feel comforted by these silly facts that the animal was not scared at his death, but it does'nt make this right
How right is it to seperate a child from its mother very young and only allow it to drink small amounts of milk, so that more can be extracted out of its mother.

5. So what! If i don't eat it, who is going to take care of it, it is going to die a horrible death

Hey hey hey!
If you dont eat it, the farmer won't farm that chicken, if people stop eating, who the hell will a farmer raise and farm a chicken. Oh okay for the most of us who dont know 94% of our chicken, cows and goats are farmed, i.e grownup in sheds, to be one day be killed and be prepared into a delicious halal, served in Karims maybe.
Don't you see only a few animals are allowed to enter our societies be it dog, chicken, cow or any animal that is of great use to us. Cows and chickens don't die a horrible death cause they are abundant, we farm them and some of them escape or are released, then they die a horrible death, this is just not their habitat.

Social uploads!

They say - "Aap social kaam karne ke baad pics upload karte ho, aap fake ho"

When you successfully perform a skit on teacher's day, you post pictures. Maybe your parents and friends are really proud of you. People are inspired and want to be in theatre group themselves now.
When you visit a beach in goa, you post pictures. People are "J" and they plan their trips too inspired by your sizzling hot, and fun pictures.

Infact facebook is a platform that has inspired people from all age-groups to long for something, get up and do, be more proactive and make a mark

Then why is it that, we are frowned upon on posting pictures of some social work that we do for our own happiness (same as in a skit), in which our family and friends will be proud too, and possibly we might get people inspired to do the same.

Why is it compulsory to act 'extra-mature' and 'over-saintly' and 'over-humble' and 'extra-serious' when doing some social work. Does it not defeat the whole purpose. I mean i think people do it to connect more within themselves and experience the real joy, otherwise what is the meaning of all this studying and striving, and that that we get a big package, and then struggle to decide where to spend it, if we are not satisfied with us and with life. As i once read somewhere - "Money is what keeps our physical bodies alive, but songs, poems, love, relationships are the entities that gives us a purpose to live life"

Ofcourse there is a place and time for everything. One cannot start clicking selfies in a camp where people are dying, but what is wrong with places like an orphanage or other places we visit.

I read a FB post which went something like "life is short, so get into relationships, have breakups, feel the pain and click a lot of selfies, to weave a beautiful string of memories, wherever you are"
Keep inspiring people, keep posting